My kid asked for a smartphone. Should I get them their own data plan? What type of phone is best for a kid?
WHOA! Let’s slow this down. Your child just asked for a pocket-sized computer that is capable of providing them access to the entire world and everyone in it. Think on that for a minute. You child won’t only have access to PBS but also to porn. And unless you’re a techie, they probably can navigate to scary places faster than you can. Let’s dig into this before making any decisions.
While chronological age is important, so is maturity. The part of the brain that controls our impulses and our ability to make good decisions is the prefrontal cortex, the very front part of the brain behind your forehead. The prefrontal cortex doesn’t full mature until our early 20’s. So that means that even high schools seniors aren’t fully capable of resisting their impulses (which is why there’s the age old question of ‘What were you thinking?!’ from parents of kids of all ages). Throw in some peer pressure, curiosity, and a healthy dose of ‘this can’t happen to me’ (aka naivety) and you have a strong recipe for trouble.
Why does your kid want a phone? Seriously, you need to ask. If it’s because everyone else has one and they can use them at school, then there are more questions to ask. First, ‘because everyone else has it or does it’ is NEVER a good reason to do anything; never mind that your kid would have a device capable of so much. Second, what are they using them at school for? I know that often teachers will allow students to listen to music on their phone in class while working, or for a calculator. If these are the reasons, get the kid a cheap MP3 player and their own calculator. Problem solved and the likelihood of the kid finding themselves in a chat room with creepy guy wanting pictures of your child has decreased significantly.
But my kid needs to be able to get contact me whenever they need to! A cellphone is necessary for safety. Safety is very important, but where are you sending your child that you feel they need to be electronically tethered to you (and you to them) at all times? Schools have land lines which are much more reliable than cell phone coverage anyway (especially living so close to the Canadian border, where we are).
But if my kid goes to a friend’s house, don’t they need to be able to call me? Of course they do, but again, where are you sending your kid that you feel they need to be tethered to you at all times? If you’re uncomfortable about letting them sleep over at someone’s house, maybe you need to get to know the family more. Talk to the parent(s) that will be at the sleepover, make sure there will even be an adult at home that you and your child are comfortable with. Ask questions. If you don’t feel comfortable with the answers, then as a parent, you always have the option to say no. Don’t let a cellphone provide a false sense of security for you simply because they can contact you.
My kid wants to post on social media, so they need a phone. Age is a big one here, but even high school kids don’t understand that what they put online will be around for people (and employers!) to find years later. This is a good place to start a conversation with you child about what they hope of accomplish with social media, the risks of cyber bullying, and the consequences (positive and negative) of having an online presence. If you need examples of what not to do, just look up celebrities that lost huge jobs because of something they said on social media when they were 14.
My child likes to take pictures and movies of themselves and friends. Ok, that’s fun, but also scary. The world wide web is full of people that like that too…especially predators that want to expoit young people. Yes, it could happen to you, even here. Remember, the internet provides access to the world wide web (that’s what the www stands for, right?) and people are not always who they present themselves to be. It’s well known that human traffickers often find their victims through social media like Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat, just to name a few. They start by representing themselves as a peer and build a relationship with them overtime. Seriously, this is real, and as parents we need to be aware.
I’ve clearly focused on everything that could go wrong so far, but there are effective uses of phones for kids, too. Maybe you’re a single parent and your kid does a bunch of extracurricular activities after school. Pickup times often change and that needs to be communicated. You have a teen that’s driving and needs to have access to communication.
The bottom line is that as parents we have a responsibility to weigh all of the pros and cons before handing our child the world. Here’s some things to consider and talk about with your child prior to agreeing to anything.
-have random phone searches. As the parent(s) you need to have a good understanding of what you child is doing and accessing on the phone, consider limiting access to certain apps or websites.
-deleting messages and history is not allowed. As a minor, there is no expectation of privacy from your guardian, therefore, don’t do anything you don’t want to be seen.
-the phone needs to be turned in to a parent in the evening. Pick a time that works for your family, the recommendation is at least 1 hour prior to bed. This prevents kids from hopping online at night and alone. This also provides time for their brain to quiet and their natural circadian rhythms to be utilized before sleep. Also consider having times when a phone is off limits for everyone (including parents) like at dinner or family time.
-having a phone is a privilege and a luxury and will be treated accordingly. No one needs a phone. We need food, shelter, water, love, security. It is okay to make sure that your child is acting appropriately at home and school, has acceptable grades for his or her abilities, and has chores completed before chilling on Instagram.
As always, do what works well for your family, just be sure to reflect on both the pros and cons of your decision.
~Larena
