February 2019 – LKC Counseling

Being a stepparent or bonus parent is a difficult, conflicting and rewarding position. It’s awkward and confusing and frustrating. It’s an honor, and scary, and beautiful. It’s more difficult than most roles you’ll ever have, but it can have impressive rewards.

I want to scream and cry. I feel like an outsider. Why did I do this again? Stepparenting is often a very unforgiving place to live. No one plans for a stepparent, or dreams of having one. Parents are supposed to stay together, the secular family intact. It certainly doesn’t help that there are next to no stepmothers that aren’t wicked (if you can think of one, please let me know). A stepparent is thrust into a family and everyone is hoping to get along, but there are typically some bumps in the road.

As a stepparent, there probably will be times that you will want to hide in the closet and cry. If that’s what you need to do, then by all means, do it. Throwing people together and expecting them to get along and instantly love each other is a recipe for stress and strife. No one’s position is enviable in this scenario. Let’s break it down.

The stepparent is coming into a new family, deeply loving the biological parent and desperately wanting to have relationships with the children. They understand that while they can’t and shouldn’t fill the absent parent’s shoes, it’s not that simple. They will feel ignored, slighted, misunderstood, left out, and undermined.

The present biological parent is stuck in the middle. They have a new partner that they love and want to forge a life with, but they also have biological children that they love more than they can explain. They are challenged with bridging the gap between the stepparent and children.

The kids are often the element with the most variables. Age plays a huge role, as well as how close they are with the absent parent. Younger children are more likely to adapt, but also be confused. Adolescents are very good at throwing attitude and be much more adversarial. Either way, the kids often end up being pawns between biological parents- an act that just isn’t fair to them. Kids often don’t know what to expect when a new person is added into the picture, especially if the split was less than smooth. Routines and expectations are often different depending on which parent they are with and that is terribly confusing for a youngster.

Remembering that the whole experience is new for everyone can help, but the reality is, the first years are really hard. One thing that can help is being able to openly communicate with your partner about what is difficult, not working or hurtful. This is often easier said than done, but it’s a must if the new relationship is going to survive.

To survive the first years, be willing to compromise, but also know that you are allowed to have certain things that are boundaries. For me, it was knocking before opening a door. My stepkids hadn’t been taught that particular skill by the time I entered the picture (they were 9 and 4). I was very much used to showering alone, getting dressed without intrusion, and so on. This was a boundary that my husband and I agreed was one of the first things to work on (it helped that he wanted that too). After 7 years, I can safely say that the kids now nearly always knock before entering.

I think the one of the most important skills of a new stepparent is patience (I know, pretty lame, huh?). Really though, not only patience with the kids and your spouse, but mostly patience with yourself. You’re going to be frustrated, angry and scared. You’re a human and you need to learn how to be comfortable in an uncomfortable situation with grace. Relationships are not built overnight and they simply take time. That means you have to be honest with yourself, reflect, and try to remember what it’s like to be in their shoes, even though others may not be trying your shoes on for size.

If you’d like more information on stepparenting, let me know!

~Larena

It seems that suicide is on the rise; we see more and more of it in the news and on social media.

But is suicide really more prevalent now than it used to be? Sadly, yes. Suicide is on the rise over the last several years in the US. According to a report by the CDC, the overall suicide rate increased more than 30% since 1999. Suicide is currently the 10th leading cause of death in the United States. In 2017, more than 47,000 American died by suicide (afsp.org). More Americans die from suicide per year than those that die from breast cancer. And those are just the number for those who actually completed suicide, not survivors of attempts.

Suicide is just so selfish! I’m sure suicide looks selfish to someone who has little experience with mental or emotional anguish, but I assure you, to the suffering person, it has nothing to do with selfishness. Let’s think about why someone would even consider suicide. A person considering suicide typically just wants to feel better. Their emotional pain is so heavy and difficult to bear that they cannot imagine another way out. They genuinely believe that their family would be better off without them, and that they have little to no value. Think on this for a minute. Consider how dark and depressing this line of thinking is. It’s feeling sad and blue times 100. It’s despair on steroids. It’s a terrible place to be, feeling like there is no way out.

What are the signs of suicide? Often family and friends are shocked and dismayed at learning a close one has attempted or completed suicide, but many times there are warning signs to be aware of- especially if these behaviors are new or out of character. An increase in use of alcohol or drugs, extreme mood swing, showing rage, talking about seeking revenge, behaving recklessly, talking of feeling trapped or having unbearable pain are all concerning behaviors.

Another major sign is a person is making or giving their things away to family and friends. This is a red flag, especially if your loved one has a history of depression, bipolar disorder or anxiety. Sometimes the person considering suicide actually seems to be brighter and happier just before an attempt, because they feel relief that an end to their suffering is near.

Clearly, if someone is talking about killing themselves and/or researching methods (particularly kids online), you need to be concerned and get help.

But talking about suicide will only make it worse, right? Nope. Talking about suicide is proven to decrease the stigma, decrease isolation of the person, and decrease attempts. While a conversation about suicide is uncomfortable, not talking about it shows that it’s not safe to talk about it. Many people worry that by using the word suicide or self harm, they will give the person the idea of suicide. This is just simply not true, and frankly is vastly underestimating the mental capacity of your loved one.

But my child is too young to know about suicide or talk about it. You’re likely wrong again. If you kid goes to daycare, school, has access to the internet and social media, the news and YouTube, then your kid has already heard the word ‘suicide.’ If your kid has heard the word, don’t you want to teach your child that you are a safe person to talk to it about? That it’s ok to ask questions? If your child is very young, then you don’t need to go into details, but there’s no reason to pretend that suicide doesn’t exist.

For older kids (like adolescents and older), their friends are likely talking about it. They’ve seen information about attempts of celebrities online and in the media. A family member may have attempted or even completed, which increase their own risk of attempting.

Talk about it in a calm, conversational way. Suicide is tragic. It’s scary; it’s a dark and heavy place. Make sure your children know how to get help, and who they can get help from (hint: it doesn’t have to be you). Don’t add to the shame and stigma of suicide, just be open and don’t be afraid to seek help.

More Americans die from suicide per year than those that die from breast cancer. Why aren’t we talking about it?

~Larena

For immediate help, 24/7: National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, 1-800-273-TALK, or Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741741.

Month: February 2019

I’m a stepparent and an outsider in my own home. Does it get better?

Suicide seems to be on the news all the time, do I talk to my kids about it?