Lost your motivation to achieve your New Years goals?
Every year about this time, just after the hussel and bussel of the holidays, we switch our focus to starting a new year. There’s just something fresh and clean about a new planner or switching out the old monthly calendar! So many of us decide this is the perfect time to implement new habits, start new projects, and layout new goals. Or, we go all out and decide on a new year’s resolution. BUT, here we are almost 3 weeks into 2020 and I bet most of us have either petered out on the progress of those new goals, or completely forgotten about that new years resolution. So, we sit and wait for momentum and strike to create the much needed motivation to get moving on our plans.
Motivation never shows up, does it? So we start thinking maybe it’s just not worth it, maybe I don’t want it enough or maybe even I’m just not worth the effort. Or perhaps we decide, maybe next year or next month, or next whenever the mood strikes kind of day. All of this inevitably means that we never actually do the plan, accomplish the goals, or make progress. All of this serves to confirm our feelings that it wasn’t worth it, or I’m not good enough for it, or whatever other excuse we have.
Here’s the secret: motivation doesn’t come from a special breeze through the door. It’s not something that magically rides in on a white horse to adorn our lives and get us moving. It’s not binge watching youtube taking note of all the people that have been successful with our idea before we’ve even gotten started.
Motivation is all about the little, itty-bitty tiny actions we take that start moving us towards our goal. Often it’s the most insignificant of actions that sparks more ideas, more creativity that creates just a bit of inertia. It’s this new evidence (however small) that propels us further into more action and more action until we can finally feel like we’re making progress. Did you notice what happened there? We had to have action before we had a feeling of progress. Then, once we recognize that feeling of motivation, we act faster and with more intensity than in the beginning. We start to think that we really can accomplish this thing and holy cow it’s fun too!
~Larena
This is true motivation. So, quit ignoring your plans and dreams and wishes and goals and just get started! Do something so small that you’re rolling your eyes about it right now. Then do it again tomorrow (or some other small task that seems stupid small) and begin to watch how it all adds up. After all, a beach is made up of billions and billions of itty-bitty teey tiny grans of sand.
Being a stepparent or bonus parent is a difficult, conflicting and rewarding position. It’s awkward and confusing and frustrating. It’s an honor, and scary, and beautiful. It’s more difficult than most roles you’ll ever have, but it can have impressive rewards.
I want to scream and cry. I feel like an outsider. Why did I do this again? Stepparenting is often a very unforgiving place to live. No one plans for a stepparent, or dreams of having one. Parents are supposed to stay together, the secular family intact. It certainly doesn’t help that there are next to no stepmothers that aren’t wicked (if you can think of one, please let me know). A stepparent is thrust into a family and everyone is hoping to get along, but there are typically some bumps in the road.
As a stepparent, there probably will be times that you will want to hide in the closet and cry. If that’s what you need to do, then by all means, do it. Throwing people together and expecting them to get along and instantly love each other is a recipe for stress and strife. No one’s position is enviable in this scenario. Let’s break it down.
The stepparent is coming into a new family, deeply loving the biological parent and desperately wanting to have relationships with the children. They understand that while they can’t and shouldn’t fill the absent parent’s shoes, it’s not that simple. They will feel ignored, slighted, misunderstood, left out, and undermined.
The present biological parent is stuck in the middle. They have a new partner that they love and want to forge a life with, but they also have biological children that they love more than they can explain. They are challenged with bridging the gap between the stepparent and children.
The kids are often the element with the most variables. Age plays a huge role, as well as how close they are with the absent parent. Younger children are more likely to adapt, but also be confused. Adolescents are very good at throwing attitude and be much more adversarial. Either way, the kids often end up being pawns between biological parents- an act that just isn’t fair to them. Kids often don’t know what to expect when a new person is added into the picture, especially if the split was less than smooth. Routines and expectations are often different depending on which parent they are with and that is terribly confusing for a youngster.
Remembering that the whole experience is new for everyone can help, but the reality is, the first years are really hard. One thing that can help is being able to openly communicate with your partner about what is difficult, not working or hurtful. This is often easier said than done, but it’s a must if the new relationship is going to survive.
To survive the first years, be willing to compromise, but also know that you are allowed to have certain things that are boundaries. For me, it was knocking before opening a door. My stepkids hadn’t been taught that particular skill by the time I entered the picture (they were 9 and 4). I was very much used to showering alone, getting dressed without intrusion, and so on. This was a boundary that my husband and I agreed was one of the first things to work on (it helped that he wanted that too). After 7 years, I can safely say that the kids now nearly always knock before entering.
I think the one of the most important skills of a new stepparent is patience (I know, pretty lame, huh?). Really though, not only patience with the kids and your spouse, but mostly patience with yourself. You’re going to be frustrated, angry and scared. You’re a human and you need to learn how to be comfortable in an uncomfortable situation with grace. Relationships are not built overnight and they simply take time. That means you have to be honest with yourself, reflect, and try to remember what it’s like to be in their shoes, even though others may not be trying your shoes on for size.
If you’d like more information on stepparenting, let me know!
It seems that suicide is on the rise; we see more and more of it in the news and on social media.
But is suicide really more prevalent now than it used to be? Sadly, yes. Suicide is on the rise over the last several years in the US. According to a report by the CDC, the overall suicide rate increased more than 30% since 1999. Suicide is currently the 10th leading cause of death in the United States. In 2017, more than 47,000 American died by suicide (afsp.org). More Americans die from suicide per year than those that die from breast cancer. And those are just the number for those who actually completed suicide, not survivors of attempts.
Suicide is just so selfish! I’m sure suicide looks selfish to someone who has little experience with mental or emotional anguish, but I assure you, to the suffering person, it has nothing to do with selfishness. Let’s think about why someone would even consider suicide. A person considering suicide typically just wants to feel better. Their emotional pain is so heavy and difficult to bear that they cannot imagine another way out. They genuinely believe that their family would be better off without them, and that they have little to no value. Think on this for a minute. Consider how dark and depressing this line of thinking is. It’s feeling sad and blue times 100. It’s despair on steroids. It’s a terrible place to be, feeling like there is no way out.
What are the signs of suicide? Often family and friends are shocked and dismayed at learning a close one has attempted or completed suicide, but many times there are warning signs to be aware of- especially if these behaviors are new or out of character. An increase in use of alcohol or drugs, extreme mood swing, showing rage, talking about seeking revenge, behaving recklessly, talking of feeling trapped or having unbearable pain are all concerning behaviors.
Another major sign is a person is making or giving their things away to family and friends. This is a red flag, especially if your loved one has a history of depression, bipolar disorder or anxiety. Sometimes the person considering suicide actually seems to be brighter and happier just before an attempt, because they feel relief that an end to their suffering is near.
Clearly, if someone is talking about killing themselves and/or researching methods (particularly kids online), you need to be concerned and get help.
But talking about suicide will only make it worse, right? Nope. Talking about suicide is proven to decrease the stigma, decrease isolation of the person, and decrease attempts. While a conversation about suicide is uncomfortable, not talking about it shows that it’s not safe to talk about it. Many people worry that by using the word suicide or self harm, they will give the person the idea of suicide. This is just simply not true, and frankly is vastly underestimating the mental capacity of your loved one.
But my child is too young to know about suicide or talk about it. You’re likely wrong again. If you kid goes to daycare, school, has access to the internet and social media, the news and YouTube, then your kid has already heard the word ‘suicide.’ If your kid has heard the word, don’t you want to teach your child that you are a safe person to talk to it about? That it’s ok to ask questions? If your child is very young, then you don’t need to go into details, but there’s no reason to pretend that suicide doesn’t exist.
For older kids (like adolescents and older), their friends are likely talking about it. They’ve seen information about attempts of celebrities online and in the media. A family member may have attempted or even completed, which increase their own risk of attempting.
Talk about it in a calm, conversational way. Suicide is tragic. It’s scary; it’s a dark and heavy place. Make sure your children know how to get help, and who they can get help from (hint: it doesn’t have to be you). Don’t add to the shame and stigma of suicide, just be open and don’t be afraid to seek help.
More Americans die from suicide per year than those that die from breast cancer. Why aren’t we talking about it?
My kid asked for a smartphone. Should I get them their own data plan? What type of phone is best for a kid?
WHOA! Let’s slow this down. Your child just asked for a pocket-sized computer that is capable of providing them access to the entire world and everyone in it. Think on that for a minute. You child won’t only have access to PBS but also to porn. And unless you’re a techie, they probably can navigate to scary places faster than you can. Let’s dig into this before making any decisions.
While chronological age is important, so is maturity. The part of the brain that controls our impulses and our ability to make good decisions is the prefrontal cortex, the very front part of the brain behind your forehead. The prefrontal cortex doesn’t full mature until our early 20’s. So that means that even high schools seniors aren’t fully capable of resisting their impulses (which is why there’s the age old question of ‘What were you thinking?!’ from parents of kids of all ages). Throw in some peer pressure, curiosity, and a healthy dose of ‘this can’t happen to me’ (aka naivety) and you have a strong recipe for trouble.
Why does your kid want a phone? Seriously, you need to ask. If it’s because everyone else has one and they can use them at school, then there are more questions to ask. First, ‘because everyone else has it or does it’ is NEVER a good reason to do anything; never mind that your kid would have a device capable of so much. Second, what are they using them at school for? I know that often teachers will allow students to listen to music on their phone in class while working, or for a calculator. If these are the reasons, get the kid a cheap MP3 player and their own calculator. Problem solved and the likelihood of the kid finding themselves in a chat room with creepy guy wanting pictures of your child has decreased significantly.
But my kid needs to be able to get contact me whenever they need to! A cellphone is necessary for safety. Safety is very important, but where are you sending your child that you feel they need to be electronically tethered to you (and you to them) at all times? Schools have land lines which are much more reliable than cell phone coverage anyway (especially living so close to the Canadian border, where we are).
But if my kid goes to a friend’s house, don’t they need to be able to call me? Of course they do, but again, where are you sending your kid that you feel they need to be tethered to you at all times? If you’re uncomfortable about letting them sleep over at someone’s house, maybe you need to get to know the family more. Talk to the parent(s) that will be at the sleepover, make sure there will even be an adult at home that you and your child are comfortable with. Ask questions. If you don’t feel comfortable with the answers, then as a parent, you always have the option to say no. Don’t let a cellphone provide a false sense of security for you simply because they can contact you.
My kid wants to post on social media, so they need a phone. Age is a big one here, but even high school kids don’t understand that what they put online will be around for people (and employers!) to find years later. This is a good place to start a conversation with you child about what they hope of accomplish with social media, the risks of cyber bullying, and the consequences (positive and negative) of having an online presence. If you need examples of what not to do, just look up celebrities that lost huge jobs because of something they said on social media when they were 14.
My child likes to take pictures and movies of themselves and friends. Ok, that’s fun, but also scary. The world wide web is full of people that like that too…especially predators that want to expoit young people. Yes, it could happen to you, even here. Remember, the internet provides access to the world wide web (that’s what the www stands for, right?) and people are not always who they present themselves to be. It’s well known that human traffickers often find their victims through social media like Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat, just to name a few. They start by representing themselves as a peer and build a relationship with them overtime. Seriously, this is real, and as parents we need to be aware.
I’ve clearly focused on everything that could go wrong so far, but there are effective uses of phones for kids, too. Maybe you’re a single parent and your kid does a bunch of extracurricular activities after school. Pickup times often change and that needs to be communicated. You have a teen that’s driving and needs to have access to communication.
The bottom line is that as parents we have a responsibility to weigh all of the pros and cons before handing our child the world. Here’s some things to consider and talk about with your child prior to agreeing to anything.
-have random phone searches. As the parent(s) you need to have a good understanding of what you child is doing and accessing on the phone, consider limiting access to certain apps or websites.
-deleting messages and history is not allowed. As a minor, there is no expectation of privacy from your guardian, therefore, don’t do anything you don’t want to be seen.
-the phone needs to be turned in to a parent in the evening. Pick a time that works for your family, the recommendation is at least 1 hour prior to bed. This prevents kids from hopping online at night and alone. This also provides time for their brain to quiet and their natural circadian rhythms to be utilized before sleep. Also consider having times when a phone is off limits for everyone (including parents) like at dinner or family time.
-having a phone is a privilege and a luxury and will be treated accordingly. No one needs a phone. We need food, shelter, water, love, security. It is okay to make sure that your child is acting appropriately at home and school, has acceptable grades for his or her abilities, and has chores completed before chilling on Instagram.
As always, do what works well for your family, just be sure to reflect on both the pros and cons of your decision.
Yes, your child should absolutely be doing age appropriate chores. Let’s unpack why and your hangups about chores.
First let’s talk about our ultimate, long term goals as parents. Typically, we want our kids to grow up to be self-sufficient adults that contribute to society…and also don’t live with us forever (come on, I know it’s not just me with that goal in mind). As parents it’s our job to teach our kids everything we can about what that looks like and how to do it. Therefore, it’s our responsibility to teach them how to run a house, do laundry, clean a toilet and wash dishes.
But my kid won’t do them right! I’ll have to redo them. Yup, you can put money on the fact that kids won’t do the chores they way you like them. Did you perform a task perfectly the first time you tired it? Doubt it. Looks like you’ll have to take time to teach them how to do it properly and be ok when it isn’t perfect. Remember, these are skills and lessons that take years to ingrain in a child.
But kids don’t like to do chores. No kidding, neither do adults! Somewhere along the lines we learned that doing chores was necessary to sustain a functional life. In my house, chores are expected to be finished adequately before you have earned the privilege to hop on a screen. Some weeks chores are more lax because there isn’t much going on, but other times chores need to be on point due to a family party.
Are daily or weekly chores best? Both. We clean up after ourselves daily, this includes dishes, picking up toys, making your bed, putting the days dirty clothes in the designated place, etc. Things like laundry, cleaning bathrooms, dusting, etc can be done on a weekly basis.
The bottomline is that when a group of people live together, everyone needs to pitch in to keep the house running. There are very few exceptions. A toddler can help pick up their toys, a teenager can do dishes, keep their room tidy and help with weekend cleaning. This is how we create functional, self sufficient adults.
Reality check: we’re all a bit “crazy”. Normal isn’t really a thing, even though society will have you thinking otherwise. There are different types of behavior: typical, average, and common. We each have our own “brand” of normal, one based on our own concept of self and life. Therefore, there is no “normal” that we all universally experience.
Given all of that, most anyone can benefit from therapy. Contrary to popular belief, therapists don’t give advice (that’s what your family and friends do). A good therapist helps you explore your issues, challenges, obstacles, and goals then helps you figure out how to overcome them or simply learn how to live within a certain situation.
Let me give you an example: You’re a parent, and you’re struggling. You have kids all doing kid things which push your buttons. You have your own stressors as a person: work life (or you’re a stay at home parent, which creates its own brand of challenges), running a household, being a supportive and loving partner, but are feeling your personal identity and inner life drifting away. Day to day activities feel mundane and boring. Your health is suffering. Motivation to do anything other than the absolutely required is gone. The family is eating out more and more because cooking and cleaning is just too much work. Sound familiar?
Here’s another example: You have an aging parent and are beginning to realize the rising needs and costs associated with caring for another person. You already have a full plate, but really feel responsible and want to care for your family member. There are also family dynamics and differing opinions to navigate. You’re exhausted and conflicted.
Or maybe you have a special needs child. But not the type of disability that others can see, rather, it’s a developmental one that only appears when your child is told ‘no’ or not given what they want. Maybe they don’t know how to manager their feels of anger and frustration. You’re yelling more and more, feeling increasingly defeated and alone. Your partner (if you’re still together) is also becoming more and more distant.
I could go on and on with examples, but I think you get the picture. All of these scenarios could be any one of us at one time or another. While each of these examples is unique and different, they all have a common thread in that they are all part of ordinary daily life. This is reality. There are periods of time that go great that we know how to navigate. But there are also times that we need help. There are times that we are so inside a problem that we can’t see life outside of the problem (think the “can’t see the forest for the trees” metaphor).
This is where counseling comes in. A qualified therapist can help you navigate the forest and the trees to identify the problem, figure out your goals, and create a plan of action. None of this means we’re not functioning or getting through the day. You probably are. But do you feel enriched by your life? Happy with your choices? Do you find enjoyment in your life? Are you inspired to achieve your dreams? Do you even know what your passions are?
If not, it’s time to find out. What are you waiting for?
