I’m a stepparent and an outsider in my own home. Does it get better?

Photo by Adrienne Leonard on Unsplash

Being a stepparent or bonus parent is a difficult, conflicting and rewarding position.  It’s awkward and confusing and frustrating. It’s an honor, and scary, and beautiful. It’s more difficult than most roles you’ll ever have, but it can have impressive rewards.

I want to scream and cry. I feel like an outsider.  Why did I do this again?  Stepparenting is often a very unforgiving place to live. No one plans for a stepparent, or dreams of having one. Parents are supposed to stay together, the secular family intact.  It certainly doesn’t help that there are next to no stepmothers that aren’t wicked (if you can think of one, please let me know).  A stepparent is thrust into a family and everyone is hoping to get along, but there are typically some bumps in the road.

As a stepparent, there probably will be times that you will want to hide in the closet and cry.  If that’s what you need to do, then by all means, do it. Throwing people together and expecting them to get along and instantly love each other is a recipe for stress and strife. No one’s position is enviable in this scenario. Let’s break it down.

The stepparent is coming into a new family, deeply loving the biological parent and desperately wanting to have relationships with the children.  They understand that while they can’t and shouldn’t fill the absent parent’s shoes, it’s not that simple. They will feel ignored, slighted, misunderstood, left out, and undermined.  

The present biological parent is stuck in the middle. They have a new partner that they love and want to forge a life with, but they also have biological children that they love more than they can explain.  They are challenged with bridging the gap between the stepparent and children.

The kids are often the element with the most variables. Age plays a huge role, as well as how close they are with the absent parent. Younger children are more likely to adapt, but also be confused. Adolescents are very good at throwing attitude and be much more adversarial. Either way, the kids often end up being pawns between biological parents- an act that just isn’t fair to them. Kids often don’t know what to expect when a new person is added into the picture, especially if the split was less than smooth.  Routines and expectations are often different depending on which parent they are with and that is terribly confusing for a youngster.

Remembering that the whole experience is new for everyone can help, but the reality is, the first years are really hard. One thing that can help is being able to openly communicate with your partner about what is difficult, not working or hurtful. This is often easier said than done, but it’s a must if the new relationship is going to survive.

To survive the first years, be willing to compromise, but also know that you are allowed to have certain things that are boundaries. For me, it was knocking before opening a door. My stepkids hadn’t been taught that particular skill by the time I entered the picture (they were 9 and 4). I was very much used to showering alone, getting dressed without intrusion, and so on. This was a boundary that my husband and I agreed was one of the first things to work on (it helped that he wanted that too).  After 7 years, I can safely say that the kids now nearly always knock before entering.

I think the one of the most important skills of a new stepparent is patience (I know, pretty lame, huh?).  Really though, not only patience with the kids and your spouse, but mostly patience with yourself. You’re going to be frustrated, angry and scared.  You’re a human and you need to learn how to be comfortable in an uncomfortable situation with grace. Relationships are not built overnight and they simply take time.  That means you have to be honest with yourself, reflect, and try to remember what it’s like to be in their shoes, even though others may not be trying your shoes on for size.

If you’d like more information on stepparenting, let me know!

~Larena

Should I give my kid a smartphone?

Photo by Tinh Khuong on Unsplash

My kid asked for a smartphone.  Should I get them their own data plan?  What type of phone is best for a kid?

WHOA!  Let’s slow this down.  Your child just asked for a pocket-sized computer that is capable of providing them access to the entire world and everyone in it. Think on that for a minute.  You child won’t only have access to PBS but also to porn.  And unless you’re a techie, they probably can navigate to scary places faster than you can.  Let’s dig into this before making any decisions.

While chronological age is important, so is maturity.  The part of the brain that controls our impulses and our ability to make good decisions is the prefrontal cortex, the very front part of the brain behind your forehead.  The prefrontal cortex doesn’t full mature until our early 20’s.  So that means that even high schools seniors aren’t fully capable of resisting their impulses (which is why there’s the age old question of ‘What were you thinking?!’ from parents of kids of all ages). Throw in some peer pressure, curiosity, and a healthy dose of ‘this can’t happen to me’ (aka naivety) and you have a strong recipe for trouble.

Why does your kid want a phone?  Seriously, you need to ask.  If it’s because everyone else has one and they can use them at school, then there are more questions to ask.  First, ‘because everyone else has it or does it’ is NEVER a good reason to do anything; never mind that your kid would have a device capable of so much. Second, what are they using them at school for?  I know that often teachers will allow students to listen to music on their phone in class while working, or for a calculator.  If these are the reasons, get the kid a cheap MP3 player and their own calculator.  Problem solved and the likelihood of the kid finding themselves in a chat room with creepy guy wanting pictures of your child has decreased significantly.

But my kid needs to be able to get contact me whenever they need to! A cellphone is necessary for safety.  Safety is very important, but where are you sending your child that you feel they need to be electronically tethered to you (and you to them) at all times?  Schools have land lines which are much more reliable than cell phone coverage anyway (especially living so close to the Canadian border, where we are).  

But if my kid goes to a friend’s house, don’t they need to be able to call me?  Of course they do, but again, where are you sending your kid that you feel they need to be tethered to you at all times?  If you’re uncomfortable about letting them sleep over at someone’s house, maybe you need to get to know the family more. Talk to the parent(s) that will be at the sleepover, make sure there will even be an adult at home that you and your child are comfortable with.  Ask questions.  If you don’t feel comfortable with the answers, then as a parent, you always have the option to say no.  Don’t let a cellphone provide a false sense of security for you simply because they can contact you.

My kid wants to post on social media, so they need a phone.  Age is a big one here, but even high school kids don’t understand that what they put online will be around for people (and employers!) to find years later.  This is a good place to start a conversation with you child about what they hope of accomplish with social media, the risks of cyber bullying, and the consequences (positive and negative) of having an online presence.  If you need examples of what not to do, just look up celebrities that lost huge jobs because of something they said on social media when they were 14. 

My child likes to take pictures and movies of themselves and friends.  Ok, that’s fun, but also scary.  The world wide web is full of people that like that too…especially predators that want to expoit young people.  Yes, it could happen to you, even here.  Remember, the internet provides access to the world wide web (that’s what the www stands for, right?) and people are not always who they present themselves to be.  It’s well known that human traffickers often find their victims through social media like Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat, just to name a few.  They start by representing themselves as a peer and build a relationship with them overtime.  Seriously, this is real, and as parents we need to be aware. 

I’ve clearly focused on everything that could go wrong so far, but there are effective uses of phones for kids, too.  Maybe you’re a single parent and your kid does a bunch of extracurricular activities after school.  Pickup times often change and that needs to be communicated.  You have a teen that’s driving and needs to have access to communication. 

The bottom line is that as parents we have a responsibility to weigh all of the pros and cons before handing our child the world.  Here’s some things to consider and talk about with your child prior to agreeing to anything.

-have random phone searches.  As the parent(s) you need to have a good understanding of what you child is doing and accessing on the phone, consider limiting access to certain apps or websites.

-deleting messages and history is not allowed.  As a minor, there is no expectation of privacy from your guardian, therefore, don’t do anything you don’t want to be seen.

-the phone needs to be turned in to a parent in the evening.  Pick a time that works for your family, the recommendation is at least 1 hour prior to bed. This prevents kids from hopping online at night and alone. This also provides time for their brain to quiet and their natural circadian rhythms to be utilized before sleep.  Also consider having times when a phone is off limits for everyone (including parents) like at dinner or family time.

-having a phone is a privilege and a luxury and will be treated accordingly.  No one needs a phone.  We need food, shelter, water, love, security.  It is okay to make sure that your child is acting appropriately at home and school, has acceptable grades for his or her abilities, and has chores completed before chilling on Instagram.

As always, do what works well for your family, just be sure to reflect on both the pros and cons of your decision.   

~Larena

Should my kid be doing chores? But they won’t do them right and I’ll have to redo them!

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Yes, your child should absolutely be doing age appropriate chores.  Let’s unpack why and your hangups about chores.

First let’s talk about our ultimate, long term goals as parents.  Typically, we want our kids to grow up to be self-sufficient adults that contribute to society…and also don’t live with us forever (come on, I know it’s not just me with that goal in mind).  As parents it’s our job to teach our kids everything we can about what that looks like and how to do it. Therefore, it’s our responsibility to teach them how to run a house, do laundry, clean a toilet and wash dishes.  

But my kid won’t do them right! I’ll have to redo them.  Yup, you can put money on the fact that kids won’t do the chores they way you like them.  Did you perform a task perfectly the first time you tired it? Doubt it. Looks like you’ll have to take time to teach them how to do it properly and be ok when it isn’t perfect.  Remember, these are skills and lessons that take years to ingrain in a child.

But kids don’t like to do chores.  No kidding, neither do adults! Somewhere along the lines we learned that doing chores was necessary to sustain a functional life.  In my house, chores are expected to be finished adequately before you have earned the privilege to hop on a screen.  Some weeks chores are more lax because there isn’t much going on, but other times chores need to be on point due to a family party.

Are daily or weekly chores best?  Both. We clean up after ourselves daily, this includes dishes, picking up toys, making your bed, putting the days dirty clothes in the designated place, etc.  Things like laundry, cleaning bathrooms, dusting, etc can be done on a weekly basis.

The bottomline is that when a group of people live together, everyone needs to pitch in to keep the house running.  There are very few exceptions. A toddler can help pick up their toys, a teenager can do dishes, keep their room tidy and help with weekend cleaning.  This is how we create functional, self sufficient adults.

~Larena