Being a stepparent or bonus parent is a difficult, conflicting and rewarding position. It’s awkward and confusing and frustrating. It’s an honor, and scary, and beautiful. It’s more difficult than most roles you’ll ever have, but it can have impressive rewards.
I want to scream and cry. I feel like an outsider. Why did I do this again? Stepparenting is often a very unforgiving place to live. No one plans for a stepparent, or dreams of having one. Parents are supposed to stay together, the secular family intact. It certainly doesn’t help that there are next to no stepmothers that aren’t wicked (if you can think of one, please let me know). A stepparent is thrust into a family and everyone is hoping to get along, but there are typically some bumps in the road.
As a stepparent, there probably will be times that you will want to hide in the closet and cry. If that’s what you need to do, then by all means, do it. Throwing people together and expecting them to get along and instantly love each other is a recipe for stress and strife. No one’s position is enviable in this scenario. Let’s break it down.
The stepparent is coming into a new family, deeply loving the biological parent and desperately wanting to have relationships with the children. They understand that while they can’t and shouldn’t fill the absent parent’s shoes, it’s not that simple. They will feel ignored, slighted, misunderstood, left out, and undermined.
The present biological parent is stuck in the middle. They have a new partner that they love and want to forge a life with, but they also have biological children that they love more than they can explain. They are challenged with bridging the gap between the stepparent and children.
The kids are often the element with the most variables. Age plays a huge role, as well as how close they are with the absent parent. Younger children are more likely to adapt, but also be confused. Adolescents are very good at throwing attitude and be much more adversarial. Either way, the kids often end up being pawns between biological parents- an act that just isn’t fair to them. Kids often don’t know what to expect when a new person is added into the picture, especially if the split was less than smooth. Routines and expectations are often different depending on which parent they are with and that is terribly confusing for a youngster.
Remembering that the whole experience is new for everyone can help, but the reality is, the first years are really hard. One thing that can help is being able to openly communicate with your partner about what is difficult, not working or hurtful. This is often easier said than done, but it’s a must if the new relationship is going to survive.
To survive the first years, be willing to compromise, but also know that you are allowed to have certain things that are boundaries. For me, it was knocking before opening a door. My stepkids hadn’t been taught that particular skill by the time I entered the picture (they were 9 and 4). I was very much used to showering alone, getting dressed without intrusion, and so on. This was a boundary that my husband and I agreed was one of the first things to work on (it helped that he wanted that too). After 7 years, I can safely say that the kids now nearly always knock before entering.
I think the one of the most important skills of a new stepparent is patience (I know, pretty lame, huh?). Really though, not only patience with the kids and your spouse, but mostly patience with yourself. You’re going to be frustrated, angry and scared. You’re a human and you need to learn how to be comfortable in an uncomfortable situation with grace. Relationships are not built overnight and they simply take time. That means you have to be honest with yourself, reflect, and try to remember what it’s like to be in their shoes, even though others may not be trying your shoes on for size.
If you’d like more information on stepparenting, let me know!
~Larena